


Ylvis Saves the World: The "Ylvis Saves the World" Christmas Special

by LillieWescott



Series: Ylvis Saves the World [3]
Category: Ylvis
Genre: Christmas, Comedy, Gen, I kveld med Ylvis, Regular Ordinary Swedish Meal Time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-11
Updated: 2014-12-11
Packaged: 2018-03-01 01:43:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2754923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LillieWescott/pseuds/LillieWescott
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The brothers help American Santa Claus save Christmas</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ylvis Saves the World: The "Ylvis Saves the World" Christmas Special

It was just after midnight when Vegard leaned back on the white sofa in the white living room in front of the cozy fireplace with a white mantle covered with white candles that went with the white walls and all of the white furniture with its clean, uncluttered white lines. He really liked this luxurious holiday home they got as a gift from enthusiastic and wealthy admirers in appreciation of their good deeds and almost constant world-saving. He sipped his coffee. "I sure love being a Norwegian!"

Bård nodded his head and said, "Me too! And I sure like this expensive yet tasteful Norwegian ski sweater you got me last year. It's so cozy!" He took another bite of waffles and reindeer meat. 

"Oh, just wait until you see what I got you this year."

"I hope it has something to do with having a progressive and tolerant society… or maybe some fish!"

"Of course it does, it's Norwegian!"

"Yay! Want some porridge?"

"No, thanks."

The fire sputtered as a clump of snow landed on the glowing logs. Vegard put his mug aside and said, "How did that happen?" There was a crash on the roof.

Bård mumbled around a mouthful of smoked salmon, " _Fy faen_ , it's fucking American Santa again. Go see what he wants."

Vegard sighed, " _Jesus Christ._ Can't he go bother Superman or Samuel L. Jackson instead of us?"

Loud cursing came from outside and then the door opened. Santa stood in the doorway, laughing and holding his enormous belly. "Ho, ho, ho, bitches!" He walked in and slammed the door behind him.

Vegard rolled his eyes and sat back down on the sofa. "Take off your boots this time."

Santa flopped down on the sofa next to him, leaving a trail of snow across the floor. He said, "Ain't gonna happen. Santa don't roll like dat." He did a double take at Bård. "Fucking hell, boy. What happened to your hair?"

Bård licked Julekake crumbs off of his fingers. "Cut it off for charity."

"Jesus, you look like a fucking rap artist." Santa flung his red hat into Bård's lap. "Put that on, you're freaking me out."

Bård looked at the hat with distaste. "What the hell do you want this time? If you want us to bury a dead hooker for you the answer is still no."

"Oh, ha ha. No, you see, I seem to have lost all of the toys for the small children. And here Christmas is only two days away."

Vegard frowned. "How is that even possible? There must be millions of toys. You can't just lose a colossal bag like that somewhere."

"Ah, well, actually I keep it in a pocket dimension and I lost the key to access it."

Bård grunted. "This seems more like a job for Tony Stark than us revy boys."

"Stark hasn't spoken to me since I peed in his Acura." Santa scratched his neck. "Jesus, it's hot in here."

Vegard said, "Fine. What do we do?"

"I think I left the key at a cathouse in Texas. Could you just go fetch it? I don't want Mrs. Claus getting suspicious. I'll lend you Rudolph; he can get you there and back in a jiffy." Santa eyed Bård's plate of reindeer steak. "Try not to eat him."

Bård wiped his mouth with a white napkin and put it down on the white side table next to his white chair. "I would never eat magic talking reindeer meat. It's bad luck."

Vegard sighed and got up to fetch his practical yet stylish winter boots and began pulling them on. "How will we recognize the key?"

"It glows and looks like a giant fork. You'll know it when you see it." He handed Bård a card. "Here's the address. Ask for Lola. I'll just wait here. If you can get back here in an hour or so I'll have more than enough time to get back to the North Pole, pick up the sack, and get back into bed before Mrs. Claus realizes I'm gone."

Bård stood and Vegard handed him his cozy parka. "This time stay out of the liquor."

"Oh, fuck you, Ylvisåker, I wouldn't drink your shitty booze."

Vegard added, "Please don't wake the kids. I don't want them to see I associate with a lowlife like you."

"People don't wake up when I'm around unless I let them. It's like a magic thing. If I weren't concentrating especially hard right now you two would be unconscious."

Bård pulled on a scarf. "The idea of an old pervert like you standing over my unconscious body is terrifying."

Santa was already stuffing Bård's leftover waffles into his mouth. He waved. "Get going or you'll wake up Christmas Day with a fist load of coal up your-"

"Don't say it!" 

Vegard grimaced and grabbed Bård's arm. "We're leaving now." Bård and Vegard finished bundling up and walked out the door. Rudolph was waiting for them. Rudolph was huge by reindeer standards and he was wearing a double saddle. 

Bård sighed with disappointment. "Don't we get to ride in the sleigh?"

Rudolph answered in his educated and impeccable English accent. "I dare say the sleigh would only slow us down."

"Won't we be cold?"

"You clearly forget that I am a magical creature." As he spoke Rudolph let loose a waterfall of piss. He sighed as he did so, saying, "Oh do hurry up, gentlemen. One must keep to a timetable, you know. No dilly-dallying." 

The brothers waited for the torrent of reindeer urine to end and then climbed gingerly onto Rudolph's back. 

Vegard said, "I mean no disrespect, but couldn't you have peed somewhere other than on our doorstep?" He heaved himself into the front of the saddle. "I'm driving."

Rudolph sniffed, insulted. "No one _drives_ Rudolph. And, it is beneath me to point out that many consider witnessing my act of micturition to be a great honor."

Bård got onto the saddle behind Vegard and held onto his brother's waist. "Not us. But I am impressed by your magnificent cock."

"How vulgar."

"Let's get this over with."

Rudolph took a running start and rose into the air. The countryside turned into a blur as his speed increased. Bård hunched his shoulders and buried his face against Vegard's back to escape the biting wind. "Jesus Christ, how about a windscreen?"

Rudolph snorted and a magical shield went up to buffer them from the cold air. "Pardon me, gentlemen. I forgot you were mere mortals."

Bård muttered, "Why is everyone from the North Pole such an asshole?"

"I heard that! Another such remark and you'll find yourself in a pretty pickle, I promise you!"

* * *

A few minutes later Rudolph was alighting onto a well-manicured lawn in front of an enormous sprawling mansion. The sun was just setting and country music floated out of the many open windows. Bård and Vegard hastily jumped off of Rudolph's back and shed their winter coats and hats. 

As they turned toward the house Bård said, "Don't piss on our stuff."

Rudolph snorted, "I would never dishonor my pedigree by marking your filthy gear with my family's pheromones. Oh dear. I believe you, sir, have been burned. Zing!" He walked away to graze. 

The brothers walked up the wooden steps to the house. Bård rang the doorbell and a stunning redhead wearing nothing but cowboy boots and a G-string opened the door. She startled. "Oh, sorry, boys, I thought you were someone else." She started to close the door.

Bård folded his arms and gave her his most charming smile. He said in cowboy English, "You haven't offended us, darlin'."

She opened the door again and looked him up and down. "Well, ain't you pretty? You lookin' for someone special? My name's Bambi."

"Bambi? That's a lovely name. And I can't imagine anybody being more special than you."

Behind him Vegard leaned in and whispered, "Don't get distracted."

Bambi looked curiously at Vegard, who was trying to hide behind Bård. "Who you got with you there, handsome?"

"That's my brother. He's a virgin."

Bambi smiled broadly and opened the door wide. "Well, ain't you the nicest brother there ever was? Why don't you fellas come in and I'll get you a drink."

They followed her into a lavish entry hall complete with a parquet floor and chandelier. Two wide curving staircases with plush dark green carpet led to a second floor. To the left and right luxurious Turkish carpets were scattered on the hardwood floor underneath comfortable sofas and overstuffed chairs. Those were inhabited by expensively dressed men and barely dressed women in soft conversation drinking alcohol from fancy crystal glasses. Bambi led them to a wet bar and she said over her shoulder. "I love your accent. Are you from Germany?"

Bård muttered, _"Faen!"_ Behind him Vegard chuckled. Bård couldn't figure out how people could tell he wasn't American. Vegard could fool anyone. It was infuriating.

Vegard answered, "Not Germany. Norway."

"Oh. Norway. I guess that means you boys ain't cops, are you? Who sent you?"

A voice came from the entry hall. "Nick sent them. Look at what they're wearing; they're obviously from up North. And I can see that little prick Rudolph out the window."

The rooms went silent and everyone turned to see a dark-haired woman with an hourglass figure in a tight red dress descending the staircase. Bambi stammered, "I'm sorry, Miss Lola. I didn't realize."

Lola stopped midway down the stairs and beckoned the brothers to follow her back up. She led them to a well-appointed dark red office filled with antique oak furniture that smelled of gun oil and cash. The men sat down in two large creaking leather chairs. Lola looked at them speculatively and then sat down on the edge of her desk in front of them. She kicked off her four-inch red spiked shoe and ran her toe up Vegard's leg. He laughed nervously, "Okay… no, sorry… ha… please don't do that…"

She looked at Bård. "So, did that good-for-nothing motherfucking piece of shit send you here for his giant sparkly fork?"

Bård smiled lazily at her. "Evidently he needs it for Christmas."

She stood up and then sat back down in Vegard's lap. He looked at Bård with horror as she twirled her fingers in his hair. "And what do I get in return?"

Bård grinned, enjoying Vegard's discomfort. "I expect he will transfer you from his "naughty" to his "nice" list?"

She leaned in and kissed Vegard on the ear. He squeaked. She said, "I don't think that's enough. Is this nervous little boy your brother?"

"Yep."

"Can I have him?"

Bård was taken aback. He grimaced, "Do you really prefer… dark meat? _Æsj_." 

"I like virgins."

Vegard protested. "I'm not a virgin!"

Bård said, "No, he's definitely a virgin. Also born without a penis, I'm afraid. Such a tragedy."

Lola reached down to check. "I don't think so." 

"That's enough!" Vegard pushed her off of his lap and wobbled to his feet. "Not a virgin have a cock please give us the key and we will be going thank you."

Bård laughed. "Come now, Vegard. Don't be so rude to the nice lady."

Lola smiled and sat back down behind her desk. "Sorry boys, but I'm afraid I don't have the key anymore. Someone's already been by to pick it up."

Bård sobered. "Who?"

"A big Swede. He left me this." She reached into a drawer and pulled out an enormous jar of mayonnaise. 

Through the open French doors they could hear maniacal laughter. Bård rushed onto the balcony and saw a young bearded man flying off on a sparkly unicorn waving the glowing interdimensional space fork in the air. "Hahahaha! _Norskjävlar!"_

 _"Jævla svenske!"_ Bård pounded the balcony rail with his fist. "It's that idiot from Regular Ordinary Swedish Meal Time. He has the fork. Now what?"

Lola shrugged. "You can stay the night if you like, boys. Hate for you to have come all this way just to leave empty handed."

Vegard said, "No, we're leaving now. Thank you for your hospitality, it's very… uh… cozy here. Goodbye."

Vegard grabbed Bård's arm and shoved him in front of him, hurrying him down the stairs. Bård protested, "No, Lancelot, let me go back in and face the peril."

"No, Galahad, it's too perilous." Vegard opened the front door and dragged Bård onto the lawn.

They jogged over to Rudolph and told him what had happened. His response was a sullen, "Bloody hell, off to Sweden." They put their coats back on and they shot back into the air.

Bård watched the stars blur into streaks as they gained speed. In front of him, Vegard was cursing angrily under his breath. Bård asked, "What are you so angry about? You're usually much more accommodating than that with people. I think Big Boy got farther with you than that woman did."

" _Helvete._ That was on camera. I can put up with anything on camera. But this is real life. Can you even begin to imagine how many venereal diseases those women probably have?! " Vegard shuddered with disgust. 

Bård grinned. "Poor Vegard."

"Oh shut up. You enjoyed that."

"Yes, I did. I love watching you suffer."

"I hope I didn't catch anything. And I can't believe you, my own brother, let her blatantly molest me with her syphilitic hands. _Æsh!_ She was probably covered in lice."

"Come now, she likely only had a little bit of gonorrhea." Bård patted his brother's back. "Poor Vegard. Someday you will be able to speak to a woman without getting flustered."

"I can speak to a woman, just not when she is assaulting my balls with her herpes-covered feet!"

Rudolph said, "I'm terribly sorry to interrupt your erudite and intellectual discourse, gentlemen, but we are approaching Uppsala. The local time is 0025 and it is a brisk four degrees centigrade. Please prepare for landing."

Bård asked in a cockney accent, "Are you taking the piss, mate?"

"I will decline to answer your churlish question."

"Aw, I love you too."

Rudolph sniffed. "Philistine."

* * *

They landed on a snowy street in front of a three-floor brick apartment building. The sparkly unicorn was standing outside, eating spaghetti out of a bucket. As they approached they could hear shouting and loud thumps and crashes from within the building. Rudolph said, "So, shall I just wait here then, sirs?"

Bård said, "I'll handle this, Vegard. There might be a woman with germs inside. You stay here and cower."

Vegard shook his head. "Safety in numbers."

They dismounted and knocked on the door. A pale man with glasses answered. He was holding an axe. He stared at them for several beats and then said, _"Tja,_ Ylvis." 

Behind him, the man they'd seen in Texas held aloft the interdimensional fork and screamed his battle cry, _"Hacka löken!"_ He plunged it into an enormous bowl of stew and began calmly eating. 

Bård and Vegard blinked at him. He blinked back. Finally Bård said, "American Santa needs his fork back."

The Swede downed a large glass of milk and glared at them. "I'm using it."

Vegard looked around. "Jesus Christ, everything in here is white. How do you live like this?"

"IKEA, bitches. It's badass."

"But everything looks so… wrong."

"That's because this white is a slightly cream-tinged-white. Not white-white like you uncultured Norwegian pussies use."

Vegard narrowed his eyes. "Are you… insulting… Norwegian home décor?!" 

Bård put a hand on Vegard's shoulder. "Don't do it, Vegard. He's not worth it."

The Swede took out a tube of mayonnaise and squirted it into his mouth. He swallowed it and said, "White-white is for pussies. Come at me, tiny man, I will school you Swedish style."

Vegard screamed with fury and charged.

* * *

Seven minutes later, Bård and Vegard emerged from the apartment. Their coats were torn and they both were covered in flour, milk, eggs and shards of butcher block wood. Vegard was holding the magical space fork. He bowed to the sparkly unicorn and said, "Go, my friend, for now you are free."

The unicorn said, "I can finally fulfill my dream. Broadway, here I come!" It flew off into the night. 

The brothers got back onto Rudolph and they flew back to their luxurious winter retreat. When they landed Rudolph walked to their front door and said, "Get. Off. Now."

As they dismounted Bård said, "Don't piss on the porch."

When they entered the house Santa was lying on their sofa in his underwear and reading a torn copy of _"I Am Zlatan"._

Vegard groaned, _"Oi oi oi oi."_

Bård grunted, "Get off my couch you disgusting old man."

Vegard muttered, "Actually, it is technically _our_ couch."

Bård frowned back at his brother. "Shuddup."

Santa sat up and let out a long belch. "It took you so long I thought I'd get comfortable." He began pulling on his giant red velvet pants. "Did you have any trouble with Lola?" He turned to look at them. "What the hell happened to you?"

Bård pulled off his batter and mayonnaise-covered parka. "We had to go to Sweden to get the key. You owe us new outerwear."

Santa laughed his jolly laugh and his enormous manboobs jiggled horribly. "Ah, those Swedes are rascals, aren't they? They don't seem to like me too much though."

"No, neither do we. Go away now." 

Santa pulled on his red velvet coat and said, "You boys did me a favor so I'll let the service know. I'll make sure that the little freaky Norwegian gnome Santa will bring you nice warm coats tomorrow night. He owes me a favor anyway."

Vegard handed him the magic fork and sighed, "I beg you to not tell us what the favor was."

Santa shrugged and slipped his gnarly feet into his giant black boots. "Well, if you see him, tell him now we're even, and no one has to know about the goat."

Bård said, "Leave now, deliver your gifts to the children, and then die in a fire."

"Hey, don't go all trippin' up in my grill." Santa held up a fist. "Peace. Out."

He opened the door and left. 

The brothers were debating whether they should simply destroy the sofa Santa had been using when someone knocked softly on the door. Vegard peeked out the window and then opened the door with excitement. "Calle! You came after all!"

"Hallo! Yes, I'm here, you can start the celebrations." He came into the room and started pulling off his coat. "Was that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and American Santa I just saw leaving?"

Vegard took his coat. "Yes."

Bård added, "Good riddance."

"I should probably let you know there is an enormous shit on your porch."

Bård sighed. "Fucking Rudolph."

Calle grinned. "Rudolph wasn't the one that left it for you."

_"Faen!"_

 

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> We here at LillieWescott Productions hope you enjoyed reading this heartwarming and classic holiday tale that we hope will become an annual tradition for you and your loved ones to read in your tasteful monochromatic home. We believe that the very young and very old can learn valuable lessons from Ylvis's continuing adventures, and if they don't, we should put them on ice floes and wave them goodbye so they'll be eaten by sharks. 
> 
> Merry Christmas!
> 
>  


End file.
